


Cheese

by indulgingsorrows



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Death, Cheese, Crack, How Do I Tag, M/M, Meteorstuck, Minor Kismesissitude, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indulgingsorrows/pseuds/indulgingsorrows
Summary: “He was eating cheese. White c4eamy romhy cheese, american flavored, depsite the fact that he grew up on an alien troll planet. Dave screamed internally.He waas such a vegan (for ironic purposes of course), so be daid not ate chese.”—Two bros on a meteor, one eating cheese.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Cheese

**Author's Note:**

> I found this in my archived documents, so enjoy this horrible disaster of a crackfic.

David elizabeth strider known by most as ave, at und the amino commoan room and breatghwd, being thd coal kid hw is. He was so insecure about his read waqyes so he flaedh the ahsws ha worq. Cool. Coola kiad. Ieoany. SHADEEEEES. Choild abuse inn sveral ways. The usual.

Karkat vahtaas walked und to the roaom and asat in thq coauch neaxt o Dave. BLOOD COLOR RED. TROLL PTSD>BAd FILM. He was eating cheese. White c4eamy romhy cheese, american flavored, depsite the fact that he grew up on an alien troll planet. Dave screamed internally.

He waas such a vegan (for ironic purposes of course), so be daid not ate chese. Cheae was foaul and was aicky. Diad I manetion thea shaedees? Shades, shades, Texas. Only eating brad, wait no, bdfzc swas made of swheat, and humans workwd to make the bread and the wheat. THEREFORE, he was no veatgan. LIfe was a ie. Sure, his univaerse was created by a munch oaf troll aliens,instead iof soem big bang theory. Sure the girl he flirted aggresively online with turned aout to be hias sister through JohN EVgebrt’s scuencne trick by the cron haig byhom, But life was a life. Chaotic, this must be justified.

Dave churled his hmouth backj, builading up thge juices. Shades. Karkat looked at him, a confuserd gave on hias bface. “Dave, what are yoau dioiung,” he asked throguh the cheasee. Dave’s shades glared qt him in all of thr glaruing glerory, the sun reaflefcting ojans the shades. God, what a nfrmie. The ironya gods would be aso diapsponted. Dave releaced the acid juiaces, pursing them into the gray skin of the troal. YThe juicees picked at hois cells and rotted thema to a cr9sp. 

Karkat screamed, btu reakky he was just enjoying it, in a STRICTLY PLATONIC MANNER. NO ROMANCe. Troal romance? Yes. There were 4. Kismesis, matesprit, morail, and that one ther quadrant. They’re pretty useless though considering that less than an eighth of the comic is focused on the troll culture, but you didnt hear that from me, this is Dave and Karkat’s swtory, not mine. Anayways, Kanei screamed, the acid pulsing as it wormed its way through his body, peeling away layers of roughened skin. 

“oH TRolL gOD WHat THe afoihe striader,” he screamed

He blinked and his crabtop, not a compauter in any way, blared to life and appeared in his vision. Curious, he went onto trollian. Dave was pestering him.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering you lol

TG: hey you eat cheese right

CG: OF COURSE I EAT CHEESE STRIDER, YOU HAVE SEEN ME EAT IT SEVERAL TIMES, FOR FHAIUF SAKE

CG: IF YOU ARE THIS DUMB, I WILL USHAR YOU TO “SCHOOL” AND WATCH THE PARADE OF STUPIDITY COME CRASHING DOWN  


CG: IT WILL BE THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF MY LIFE  


CG: WATCHING THE SUPOOSED COOL KID FALL TO HIS KNEES  


TG: both of our unuiverses got kaboomed, did you forget that  


TG: and judging by rose’s estimationas, we’ll be catapulting head first into the calmest session imaginable  


TG: there will be no such thing as school  


TG: lowkay almost as calm as acne spaghetti  


TG: stuff works wonders  


CG: STRIDER YOU IGNORANT FOOL OF A SAGGY GNOMED EAR GAGFEST  


TG: woah man don’t insult my ears they are fuacking treasures  


TG: do you even have ears  


TG: or are your candy corn locking things the troll equivaent  


TG: what are they even for  


TG: troll suckers?  


TG: stop complaining about nothing then i didnt even get them as toys  


CG: THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT  


CG: THIS IS CLEARLY ABOUT YOU SPITTING FKABHING ACID AT MY ARM YOU DHOUCHE  


TG: look you were eating cheese  


TG: how couald you forgoet that i am a vegan  


TG: when we first met i literally said hey dude i am a vegan you insult my religion  


CG: OH REALLY  


CG: WAS THIS WHEN VRISKA WAS BEING A FHCUKING SHOW OFF WITH THAT STUPID GODHOOD SHAIT  


CG: OR WAS THIS WHEN KANAYA AND ROSE WERE PERFORMING THE MATESPIRIT RITUAL  


TG: oh my gog  


TG: if you say one more thing about your shxviety troll romance i am going to spit more acid at you  


TG: coolkid aids itlll be called  


TG: hell yeah  


CG: OH RADDA RADDA  


CG: LOOK  


CG: THIS CONVERSATION HAS CLEARLY GONE OFF THE RAILS OF FUHUCKING STUPIDITY  


CG: SO HOW ABOUT WE JUST DELETE THIS AND YOU WIPE THE ACID OFF MY SKIN  


CG: IT REALLY FHCNKING HURTS  


TG: no  


TG: look up from your desktop

Karkat looked up from his crabtop and at Dave. DDave locked at him, a blank poker face stretched across his.. Face. Suddenly, Dave lunged at Karkat and kissed him, in a STRICTLY PLATONIC MANnEr. Acid dribbeled down his lips and all over Karkat’s face. Karkat scrraemd, “STRIDER YOU”RE NOT MY MOIRAIL WHYYYYYYY” 

The acid dripped over the sides of the cancer troll’s roughened skin, burning the cells to crisps that showed the bones of his skin. His eyes soured to red voids, much like Terezi’s, until his world faded to nothingness. His bones cracked and dribbeled into soft fabric like material. His teeth screamed and screeched the surfaces of his gums until they all fell off and landed on his crabtop, bouncing off dve’s god hood. So much for his anime speech. He let out a gasp, and the acid soared into his mouth, tickling his insides. They twisted and stabbed and burned and kicked and destroyed his organs. He coughed up blood, his cherry red blood, and it soared into Dave’s shades.

Dave screamed and spit up more acid, crushing Karkat’s legs to bones until they were just skeleton ones.

Karkat gasped, “Dave.. whay?”

Dave moaned, “You ate cheese, and that is unacceptable.”

Then Karkat died the end lol


End file.
